Beyond the Pedestal: Why I Stopped Chasing the Gods and Started Deifying Myself
As someone who lives in an If-God-Wills-It mindset society, I was glad to be a people-pleasurer when I was bullied. I thought, I was still playing it safe, better to act meek and do what they're told to! After all, they're all going to burn in hell and received divine punishments in the material plane. It was only natural to think so, when we've all heard of saints & prophets who were tortured, now granted many blessings. The opposite can be said to the sinners, soon tormented. However, even after many years of pain, they thrived in number 1 rankings in class and still had many friends—that was my focus, of course, studies and friendships—I couldn't help but be bitter. So many years being a meek, I never got the blessings I was promised.
Funnily enough, that wasn't the reason why I deconstructed. It was more so about the bigotry, oppression, and hatred. My meek, people-pleasuring mind couldn't handle the energy they were placing on hurting others rather than, well, doing their true purpose in their supposedly peaceful religion, helping others. I didn't want hatred to consume me too, becoming mindless beasts. For Mother Earth's sake, I have hobbies, joys, loves, dreams, and a goddamned life! When I saw the people they oppress for their choices, I feel as though they held the key to life. The desire of freedom lies in each of our minds; I learned many affections I've never experienced before. Such as, being holy by loving yourself.
Realizing that I was unfit to be in a dogmatic religion, I secretly set out myself to study more about the world. My mind was blown when I learned about eclecticism. The choice was ultimately yours to find, mix (to be simple), and practice what you believe rather than a linear strict path. Is this not blasphemous? I wondered, still afraid to delve too deep. Though, the promise of freedom was too good to pass on.
When I soon practiced my own way of craft, I still held the baggage from my previous religion, guilt of not being holy enough to receive what you want. So, I went back to what I know, devoting to gods, though plural now. But it's just, unfulfilling? As if, I'm proud of something that's not mine (no, no, there wasn't any cultural appropriation). At the time, I wasn't fully a devotee as I had to know if this matches my needs. Confirmed, there was still something empty inside my being and no god can fix that. I have also received advice about taking my time instead of rushing in, I didn't understand it the first time. Thus, I say my goodbyes and explored the next, which what my avoidant ass good at too. Seeing other practitioners communicating and being loved by their matrons/patrons made me... jealous. Years of devotion, I never felt the belonging. Only guilt and worthlessness. Beginner me didn't really look at 'Oh, this deity is powerful, I better pray to them!' but of being chosen. Chosen to be loved, chosen to be blessed. Ever since I was young, I had always been the last choice, and I assume it affects my views on every type of relationship too.
To combat these thoughts, I explored angelic magick as I've always loved angels and am more familiar with them. Compared to deities, for me, practicing with angels is much easier and fits me more. Especially when I could start small and close by, which was working with my guardian angel, instead of jumping to work with the archangels. For a moment, I felt loved, the calm, and its bliss. It changed me as a person, like taking a step closer to my goal, which I didn't know I have. I wished I could continue forever. However, as all things go, the guilt creeps in again. How could I do a self-love spell to accept my worth when even my whole body and mind is against it? It's a disease that keeps coming back. My thoughts became more disarrayed. Sadly, I had to stop practicing angel magick for a while to deal with this core issue. Therapy and isolation.